She'll · Suck · You · Dry

Well, pregnancy us not the problem with my insides...

I prefer to fantasize about women than men.

A dirty little secret released, I feel a little better.

I want you to know that I feel on top of the world
with you
with out you
On top of you

So Brandon came out to the slam last night. Eric showed up with his new 'girl'. Andrew my secret crush from work was there. It was interesting.

I don't so much want to date or fuck Andrew we just have a nice flirtatious relationship which I think can be deemed as a crush. I think in a relationship with him the sex would be good, but we'd fight a lot.

Eric didn't say anything to me, so I went up to him and told him I liked his poem. He got up and left. I wanted to tell him that I really was never impressed with him in bed and that I hoped he wouldn't 'hurt' the new girl like he 'hurt' me but I didnt. Best to let things lie.

I really came here to tell you about how I just came, though. Ha.
(Pun intended)

The build up was what did it, I was pretty much naked all day. Me and Brandon just watched tv, and hung out like normal friends do. But I was naked.

When we finally did have sex it was quick, but the best sex I have had in a lng time. I was trying to last, but I couldn't. I think it's funny how men always get the shit for premature orgasm, man... I didn't last longer than five minutes. But oh
oh oh
oh
was it worth it.

I had to smoke two ciggarettes after that one. I pretty much ready to go again, which is strange for me. I have a relatively low sex drive, but now that I am pretty much single. It's increased more than what is healthy.

Anyway.

I need to go see a woman doctor for a well woman check up. My period was weird last month.

Boring.

I am so pissed off right now, and this is going to be some lame rant post, so please ignore this if you feel the need to avoid angst.

Men. Ugh. It's always about the sex. If they think they can get laid they'll do damn near anything for you.

But if you truly fucking need them?

They're gone...

I emailed Eric. Told him that I was sorry for any shit or drama that I caused because that was not my intention. He may or may not believe me, but all I can do is be honest. The rest is in his court.

Brandon? I asked him a favor. Something I will get into later, and it was all high and mighty...
I don't know I'm kind of busy...Really thinking of just staying in tonight.
NO MATTER THAT YOU'RE IN A SHIT SITUATION RIGHT NOW, AND REALLY NEED ME...
I WON'T GET LAID, SO
FUCK IT

All I want to do is go to bed.

*Disclaimer

Yes, I know not all men are like this, but the ones I've been around.
Are.

So last night Brandon and I had sex. Once again I was feeling the mental with no physical.

It really was a good night in general. We ordered a pizza and watched a bunch of The Simpsons and Family Guy.

The sex was really good at first, then for me it got a little painful. Just a slight irritation, almost like a slight burning sensation. I just let Brandon come and then went to sleep.

We actually talked about this journal afterwards, he said he'd probably never read it, but that he appreciated knowing about i.

I always found it interesting that I've given Brandon ultimate access to my life, even now that we're broken up and he just doesn't take advantage of it.

Too tired for much more.

So, bored and unable to sleep, I masturbated last night for the first time in a very long time.

Rekindled things with an old friend of mine...

Heh.

It was amazing.

If you can't please yourself...

The Tool Concert was a strange expierence for me. It was very intense and erotic in both the visuals and the music. I had exchanged some text message innuendos with both Brandon and a good friend of mine, Andrew. I was dancing and freely touching my hips and side and stomache and it gave me a very gratifying feeling. The silhoutte of Maynard (the lead singer) was very arousing as well as the thoughts of sex later.

Being with Brandon afterwards made it shoot to the roof, and through it.

The concert opened up a new world of connection for the two of us. Which could be both good and bad. I am trying (albeit, struggling) to be independent, but sex is something I am used to.

The first time Brandon and I had sex after we broke up was incredible. It was a:

I know we shouldn't be doing this, but I want you so bad I don't care
sort of experience.

We both came in four minutes.

Now that initial rush is gone...but it's still good sex.

It's habitual at times, but good. Now that I am not sleeping with Eric, I wonder about other possibilities. Eric was never so much pleasing in the reach an Orgasm sort of way. This too was the excitement of sleeping with someone that I found attractive and almost unattainable. With Eric it was all really game played by both of us. I am glad it is over with now that it is all said and done. Eric was a strange sort of situation though... I definetely gave him a very emotional side to me. I let down a lot of walls by sleeping with him, but the normal female atachment wasn't really there. THere were no emotional strings tugging at my 'heart'. Even now, it's really not all that sad. I don't miss anything but his company. Even so, not so much that I notice. The strange thing about it all is that I never came. Not once with Eric. It was amazing sex and very stimulating but I could never get to that point. I find it interesting, because I wonder what was keeping me there. No emotional attachment, no orgasm, his company was nice but always gave me a strange awkward feeling...

Anyway. Sex with Brandon has got to stop.

But I like it so much...

I have a strange sort of feeling at the moment.

A shorter post for now.

I am mentally 'horny' if that makes sense, I want to have sex but the physical side of it isn't reacting.

Oh lord.

Brandon is here, I have to go to school. Dilemas.

So I went to see Tool in concert last night, it was a very strange experience. It was incredibly awe inspiring and eye opening. Quite literally...

I met up with Brandon as soon as the show was over, and he swept me up off of my feet and we hugged and kissed and held each other. It was a very hard and very touching moment between the two of us.

He came over afterwards, and we went to sleep. We woke up and had amazing sex.
It was without speaking, without questions, or doubts. We had long drawn out woman on top coitus.

I came.
He came.
We came.

After some coffee, ciggarettes, and conversation,
we had sex again.

It much more animalistic and with a much larger variety of positions. It was more pleasing and and again

I came.
I came.
He came.

Then we listened to 10,000 days.

He asked me what I was afraid of.
I said nothing.